Grandma and Me

Grandma and me, two halves of a whole
It’s as though they cut the cloth from her creation
And made it the fabric of my life

Grandma and me, we had an unearthly bond
Science can’t explain how I still feel her alive in my bones
Despite the fact that we buried hers
The universe brings her to me in ways I don’t understand
She visits me in people to comfort me and guide me
She frequents my dreams to let me know she’s still here
And when I wake up, I feel a squeeze on my hand
Letting me know that it was really her

Grandma and me, she was my light
She radiated happiness and warmth to those around her
They never would have guessed the trauma she endured
Because her heart grew softer as life got harder
A natural nurturer who could comfort strangers
Healing me in sickness using food as medicine
And healing herself with needles for headaches and pain

Grandma and me, I grew up in her arms
After seven kids birthed and one of them lost
She said raising me was still the best time in her life
And if you were to ask her
If she could have chosen a different life
One in which she was not abused or assaulted or grieving
She would have told you there was nothing this world could do to her
To make her give up the last 21 years of her life loving me

Grandma and me, we shared our pain
She fell on the subway in Korea the year she passed
And I cried every day until she returned home to me
And when her heart stopped working
The doctors and nurses took turns pumping her chest
My dad and my aunt stood in denial
Saying she walked into the hospital, so she will walk back out
But I knew after twenty minutes that it was time for them to stop
I think it was only right that I was the one to release her

When she took her last breath, she took mine with her
I felt my heart stop working too
Because I had lost the only love I had ever known
To be real, to be pure, to be unconditional
And I still carry this ache with me wherever I go
I think it would break her heart all over again
If she knew how much time I spent not forgiving myself
Because of the guilt I felt from letting her go
Unable to grieve because I blamed myself

Grandma and me, no love will ever compare
I have tried searching for it in others
Only to realize I could only find it in myself
My friend told me, “Sarah, you are a light.”
I told her it gave me goosebumps
Because that’s when it clicked

Grandma and me, we had an unearthly bond
Science can’t explain how I still feel her alive in my bones
Despite the fact that we buried hers
The universe brings her to me in ways I don’t understand
I think it is because I am becoming her

Grandma and me, we are the same
I’m radiating happiness and warmth to those around me
They never would have guessed the trauma I’ve endured
Because I’ve found a way to grow softer as life gets harder
A natural nurturer who can comfort strangers
Learning how to be a healer using food as medicine
And needles for headaches and pain
It’s no wonder why when I discovered
Naturopathic medicine and acupuncture
It felt like I was coming home

And if you were to ask me
If I could have chosen a different life
One in which I was not abused or assaulted or grieving
I would tell you there is nothing this world could do to me
To make me give up the first 21 years of my life
Being loved so deeply by my grandma
And feeling her presence for the rest of my existence
In myself

Advertisements